i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
