go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
