i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
