my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
