So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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