im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize