Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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