thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize