Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
