he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
