So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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