it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
