yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
