I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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