when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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