My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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