he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
