Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you had me at cake vodka
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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