I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
