i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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