My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
