Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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