All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
