I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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