why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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