just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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