Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize