the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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