I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
