I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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