Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
