im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
