Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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