Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
