I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
