my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
