He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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