My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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