I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
