You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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