Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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