I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
