Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
