I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
