Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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