Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
