I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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