She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
