4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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