Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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