I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
