Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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