I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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