dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Drake has all the answers
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
