i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
