Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize