I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize