Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My vagina just clenched in fear
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