i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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