talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
